Wednesday, April 27, 2005

View to a Kilt

Gentlemen please, unless your name is Morogh or Angus refrain from wearing a utilikilt.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Cookie Monster Made Me Fat.

Who knew that after all of these years the side effects of watching one of America's most beloved children's show would crop up? When I heard that folks were taking issue with Sesame Street I automatically assumed it would be the ambiguously close relationship between Bert and Ernie. Maybe the homeless dumpster divers took issues with Oscar the Grouch, constantly hording the Sesame Street Trash Can. Perhaps the ADD advocates were finally able to focus long enough to take issue with the kind of frenetic pace that Sesame Street promotes. Personally, I always thought it was a little weird to have a frog dating a pig...but who am I to pass judgement on the private lives of puppets.
Cookie Monster is the scapegoat of the month. With the rise in childhood obesity, It's Cookie Monster who must of course shoulder the blame. Producers of Sesame Street have decided that cookies are now only "a sometimes food" Mr. Monster has a new song by the same title. The powers that be have decided to put more of an emphasis on health issues. They are adding segments that feature talking vegetables and a new parody called "American Fruitstand" (Insert your own Bert and Ernie joke here) Cookies will be replaced by healthier options including fruits and vegetables and even a healthier cookie. Though vague with the recipe...Chocolate chip cookies will no doubt be replaced by some carob, soy digestive biscuit. I believe they should replace food altogether and toss in something with a little bit less social stigma....Heroin. The following is an exerpt of the new song that Cookie Monster will introduce next season. Make up a tune as you go.

Cookie Monster (sadly)
I tried all the diets and hip fitness joints
Tried Atkins and South Beach, Weight Watchers points
But there was just one diet
And I was yet to try it.
The carrots loose and cookies win
til I discovered Heroin!

Now... (think Up tempo)
I'm a Junky Monster
Don't give me any hugs
I'm just a little scary on my occasional drugs
Now I have a "sometimes" food
And A "sometimes" drug of choice
I'm long and lean and kinda mean
So everyone rejoice!

I'm a Junky Monster
I'm in with all the chicks
I'll do anything at all to get myself a fix.
Don't need no cookies anymore
I gobble needles off the floor.
So kids stay slim and trim as can be
Just shoot up, be a Junky like me

(Bringin it home)
Cuz I'm a Monster Junky
I'm no longer chunky
it's the drug that makes you thin
your the Hero of the Heroin!

Yes you can be a Junky Monster
Everyone's A junky Monster
You can be a Junky Monster too.

Now everybody sing along...

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Pleasant Feeling Tones

I had heard a rumor from some teachers I work with. Teachers in many schools have been asked to stop grading their papers in red. I just read an article today calling for an end to "red"
Apparently red is "angry" and "critical". So was my elementary school PE teacher...he didn't even use a pen. Parent's at one school called the principal to say that red ink was "stressful." I'll tell you what is stressful. Growing up with a parent who feels the need organize a grassroots campaign against red ink is stressful.
Should red lights be changed to something a little less "Authoritarian"?
Should fire trucks soften their tones lest they be seen as "too harsh."
Perhaps only green apples should be allowed in supermarkets. We wouldn't want a child bringing an "abrasive" red apple to a teacher. She might take out her "angry" red pen and write something perfectly nice about it...that whore!
One young male teacher says "It's (red) abrasive to me. Purple is just a little bit more gentle"
A principal at a Pittsburgh Elementary school has asked for teachers to use "Pleasant feeling tones" Excuse me while I dry heave.
Since when is it a bad thing to have a little authority? It's okay to correct children. Teachers write in red because it shows up and it's easy to see where you went wrong...or right. Teachers also write positive comments in red. A bright red star is just as complimentary as a bright turqouise star and maybe a little less nelly then a bright purple star.
Did I upset you with the text color? I apologize profusely if my color choice has damaged your wuss.