Crouching Waiter

Someone recently asked me "What is your biggest pet peeve when you go out to eat?" I didn't even need to think about it.
"Crouching Waiter"
I could almost forgive this trendy service quirk if I were accompanied by a child and/or a midget (or a midget child) But I am 5'9. Most of the people that I dine with are over the five foot mark.
GET UP!
Think of it as your turn to look down on your patrons.
Use your height.
Use your strength, Grasshopper.

Dierdre the Parisian Diva

"It's Enya mixed with Bjork and possibly a little Nell" This was Dennis's description of a show he wanted to see in Fremont. And by "Nell" he meant that Jodie Foster movie where she spoke her own freaky deaky twin language...Not the portly star of TV's Gimme A Break.
I am not a huge Bjork fan, but I do like to say the name Bjork. It's kinda Fjun. Not as entertaining as imitating Jodie Foster's freaky deaky twin language but its still fjun. And then there's Enya...well she kind of mocks herself. I'd join in but it would be redundant...or Redjuntant.

The show was supposed to start at 10:00. It didn't. We killed time drinking, and looking at somebody's vacation slide show on their laptop. We weren't sitting with them. We were upstairs looking down on them...in every way. What's more pathetic than bringing in your vacation photo's to a nightclub? Um perhaps being the lamest voyeurs ever. We watched their entire boring Ski trip slide show. Dude, don't ever vacation with those people. It would be like being trapped in a Thomas Kinkaid painting or a Jigsaw Puzzle landscape. Even their food looked boring.

The show "Dierdre, the Parisian Diva"...once it finally started had some potential for blogging mockery but once you got past the Joel Grey ala Cabaret outfit and the fact that the Parisian Diva was 7 months pregnant...and not Parisian, She was actually pretty good. She had an awesome voice, An interesting repertoire and three, possibly four laptop D.Js. I have never seen Faux French World Techno before. We didn't stay for the entire show. It was getting late and one of us has a real job, but, I think we got our six dollars worth.

Where's Kirstie Alley?

My room mate has this new found love of world cultures. Well not exactly the cultures themselves, but the merchandising of world culture. Our house is jam packed with masks, statues, bowls, vases and random knick knacks from Asia, Latin America, and Africa. While some of these decorative items did come from his travels to Mexico, most of them are from exotic places such as Marshall's , Ross and the inner jungles of TJ MAXX.
Now, I like tribal masks as much as the next guy (provided the next guy doesn't like tribal masks) I do actually like them...but...hold on I'm going to go count how many we have....I'm back. THIRTEEN! we have thirteen masks hanging about the house. I had no idea there were that many. This does not even count the statues and free standing Buddha heads. This isn't even counting the masks in his bedroom. Holy Crap...Thirteen?! My house looks like Pier 1 and Cost plus merged and exploded. I even had a visitor ask me "Wow Where's Kirstie Alley?"

10 Things I Haven't done

Inspired by the idea of "10 things I have done that you probably haven't" I thought perhaps another fun one might be "10 things I haven't done, that you probably have" I mean there are plenty of things that I haven't done, but Sky-diving, mountain climbing, and free-basing (one word?) are kinda obvious. Here are some dopey things I haven't done.

1. I have never lit a fire
2. I have never seen It's a Wonderful Life all the way through
3. I have never been to Mexico
4. I have never successfully driven a stick shift
5. I have never been skiing, snowboarding or any other ice/snow/outdoor type activity
6. I did not enjoy the Matrix
7. I have never tried White Zinfandel
8. I have never changed a flat tire.
9. I have never drank so much that I passed out.
10. I have never enjoyed a movie about a horse...This includes you Seabiscuit!

So i think I'll light a fire, Put on a little It's a Wonderful Life/Matrix double feature and toss back some white zinfandel until I pass out.

I Hate to Camp

I hate to camp.
I just got an e-mail from a friend of mine, asking me to go camping. Josh has extended this invitation to me four or five times. He doesn't believe me when I tell him that I hate to camp. People seem to think that the reason I say I hate to camp is because I have never done it. Of course I have been camping. I was raised by lesbians. It's what their people do. I hated it then and I hate it now. Don't get me wrong, I like the outdoors. I like it most of all when I am inside my house. I like looking at the outdoors, through a window, on TV or in National Geographic. I just don't feel the need to experience it first hand.
Camping is like choosing to be homeless.

10 things I have done that you probobly haven't

10 things I have done that you probobly haven't.
This idea was forwarded to me. It is apparently making the rounds of Catholic Blogdom. Since I don't frequent the Catholic Blog network I'm just taking their word for it. ...So here goes. In no particular order.


Missed a turn on the big Island of Hawaii and decided to just drive all the way around it.

Spent two days at a neighboring High School pretending to be a Russian exchange student.

Sang Bangles tunes for an oldies band. I played the tambourine for one performance. Realized I was not a multi-tasker.

Failed my drivers test twice, by running the same stop sign twice.

Pretended I didn’t speak English when the Mormon’s came a knockin.

Almost ran over John Curley

Attended a Nordic Folk-Dancing contest because “Jurassic Park” was sold out.

Accidentally went to Christian camp

Ate Italian food at a Korean Disco in Sibiria.

Experienced the Nisqually Earthquake in a giant bear costume...in Renton.