I Won't Mention Any Names...

Lately people have been wondering why I don’t include them in my blog. It’s nothing personal. I don’t usually write about people I know unless they do something really ridiculous. See-Runaway. They are all “blogworthy” (my new favorite term, I stole.) I just don’t know how much I should share about other peoples lives. My friends and aquaintances are all rich with comic potential. I promise. They all do just as much ridiculous stuff as I do. I just prefer not to alienate them by posting their actions online. There are certainly things they do that I find amusing.
I would love to write about a certain friend that bought hiking boots for his retarded dog but I don’t, because that would be in poor taste. He might post some nasty comment on my blog that I would be forced to publish.
I might also mention a certain friend who spent a toiling afternoon searching for Scoops style chips because the committee organizing the disabled persons mixer thinks regular tortilla chips might be too unwieldy for your average disabled person, but I can’t mention that. I might seem cold and heartless to the plight of the disabled.
I could “Out” the vegetarian who eats pepperoni. But I won’t.
I might mention someone that called me in mock offense at my failure to include him in the list of things that I find funny. I do find him funny, but I found his response to not being included even funnier. So there you have it, my fellow friends, acquaintances strangers and cyberstalkers. Do you really want to be included in my blog? It’s not like being in a movie.

Overheard Conversations

Overheard Conversation

Setting: Bainbridge Bound Ferry

(Two middle aged women, one wearing a vest with embroidered pumpkins and mom jeans, The other in a elementary school teacher type jumper carrying a "Le Bag". For our purposes we will call them Judy and Carol.)

Judy-
So I just told her. There are two types of women in this world. Those who can organize potlucks and those who can’t!

Carol-
What did she say?

Judy-
Well what could she say…She knew I was right!

Carol-
I’m glad you said something. It’s good to get it off your chest.

Drama Time

Sometimes I wonder why I continue to teach drama to young children.
When I show up to teach the other teachers say "It's drama time" consequently a whole group of Queen Anne pre-schoolers think my name is Drama. I look forward to teaching and I dread it every week.
Today a four year old boy told me I was beautiful and smelled like an apple.
A five year old girl drew a picture and named it Princess Drama
and a kindergartener told me he liked my drama class more than bagels and fruit snacks but not as much as Goldfish crackers.
...and that is why I continue to teach drama to young children.

I Say Stupid Stuff

I will follow up the "I am a terrible liar" with "I say stupid stuff." It's inevitable. I would love to be one of those clever sexy seductresses. I would love to be able to glide through life saying just the right thing at just the right moment. Men would leave my presence dazzled by stunning wit and charming an/or disarming personality. I am not one of those people. I often say something stupid. My actions are often dorkier than my words. I won't go into detail as to my latest social awkwardness...lets just say. I understand why I am still single.

I shall offer an example circa 1997.

I was standing at the bar chatting with a nice fellow who had just bought me my first drink of the night. He was very friendly and attractive with a slight accent. I asked him where he was from and he attempted to convince me he was from Seattle. His accent seemed to give him away. I asked if he had moved somewhere exotic and ended up back in the Northwest. He told me he had lived here all his life. Most people would let it go at that. No, not me. I am persistant in my quest to say the wrong thing. I accused him of being from Canada, Boston, or Pittburgh. He denied them all with an uncomfortable laugh. I kept guessing though. Finally after a ridiculous amount of goading he told me.
"I don't have an accent...I have a speech impediment"

Just one fun example from Deonn's Greatest Hits.

"It Was An Interesting Idea"

I'm not a good liar. My face always gives me away. You can always tell what I am thinking by the look on my face. It's a bit of a curse. It usually only comes up in the arts. I went to see "The Penal Colony" once. It is a dreadfully boring Phillip Glass opera based on Kafka. It was done in the round. I had no idea that the look on my face was so telling. I ran into friends at intermission. They told me the most entertaining thing about the show was watching my reaction from across the house. I was terribly embarassed and spent the next act trying to look interested, which they found even funnier. Every time I looked in their direction they would burst out laughing.
I attend a lot of theatre. Most of the theatre I see is done by friends or aquaintances of mine. I am always so relieved when I enjoy something. I hate trying to come up with something to say when I don't. Since I am a terrible liar and my face gives me away all the time, I try to say something truthful. Here are my most recent comments.

"That was really something"
"I have never seen anything like it!"
"What an interesting idea for a show"
"Wow"
"I enjoy a good musical" (Any idea where I can find one?)
"You are so talented" (What happened?)
"That must have been quite the rehearsal process" (You did rehearse at some point, right?)

So if any of you theatre people out there are reading my blog. (you can't see my face) those quotes did not apply to you. I loved your show...really. It was amazing. Your creation of the earth done through interpretive dance was truly magnificent.

Google Me Deonn

Maybe it's because I was hanging around my twenty five year old cousin, or maybe I have been meeting more single people of late or maybe I have been running...er limping with a younger crowd, but I keep getting the same question.
"Are you on Myspace?"
My answer is an emphatic
"No"
followed by
"Because I'm 32"
or
"Because I'm not in Jr. High"
or
"Dude, I could be your mother...But I would have had to sleep with your father"
So, no. I am not on Myspace. It's too much pressure. You have to make your site look cool and choose hip music that represents your inner "youness". High school was traumatic enough. I don't want to be 32 years old and obsessing over whether people want to be Myspace friends. I have enough to obsess about. Like dogs eating peoples faces off (I know, I know...I need to let it go, But it still freaks me out)
I do however have a blog. I'm easy to find. You can actually Google me by my first name...and it comes up with this here blog. I don't need a Myspace page that nobody reads. I have a blog that nobody reads...except you.

Photos from New York

Some photos from New York.

My cousin Meghan and her flea market pearls

waitin for her pimp.

Me checkin out the fab deals at the Park Slope

Flea Market.

This is me at the Potluck Shabbat birthday party for the Avenue Q

creator at Hurly's Irish Pub in Midtown.

Meghan eating an array of Kugel with "Guy who didn't sign a model waiver to appear on my blog so don't sue me"

More Things I Think Are Funny

Curling...the sport

Cash Peters on The Travel Channel

Watching my neighbor parallel park his Hummer

Daria

What I Think Is Funny

Last night somebody asked me what I thought was funny. I could think of nothing at the time. There are plenty of things that I think are funny. That question was the only answer I could come up with. So I came home and made a list...because I have nothing else I should be doing. (See previous "Procrastination" post)

Things that I think are Funny
In no particular order

Eddie Izzard
Mc Sweeneys
Lamb by Christopher Moore
Short People
David Sedaris
Amy Sedaris
Puyallup
Stephan Colbert
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Arrested Development
"Ask a Ninja"
Homestar Runner
The Tall Guy
Woody Allen (I know, I know. I didn't say I thought marrying his daughter was funny)
Woody Allen marrying his daughter (okay now I did)
Fife
Mel Brooks
Muscle Shirts
Clamato Juice
Fran Leibowitz
Sarah Vowell
The Jerk
Young Frankenstein
Mullets
Airplane!
The Thin Man series
Leona Helmsley
Joey Butafuocco
The French
Canadians
French Canadians

Thats all I can think of at the moment...I'm sure I'll come up with more.

Runaway!

I admit there have been times that I have avoided people I wasn't in the mood to talk to. This is usually a grocery store encounter or mailbox chit chat here at my apartment building. I am sure there are times when someone has actively avoided me... I know you are thinking "How can that be? Everyone loves Deonn!" At least I would like to think that is what you are thinking. If there are those out there that are avoiding me...at least they are discreet about it.

Friday, I saw someone that I had dated a few times in the past. We had parted amicably. But, he was the one who ended it. I didn't resort to boiling his bunny, stalking him or calling him in tears all Nancy Kerrigan like "WHYYYYY?!" We simply went our separate ways. No harm, no foul.

So I was walking home the other night and I see him walking towards me. I was with Gina and my phone was ringing so I looked down at my bag. Out of my peripheral vision I see him actually run across the street and up the alley to avoid me...at least I assume it was to avoid me. Maybe he had something to do all of a sudden. It kind of reminded me of a cat that is just hanging out and suddenly jets across the room like they forgot they had somewhere to be...on the other side of the room.

Maybe that was it. Either way it kind of made me laugh. Not a "ha ha" kind of laugh, more like a "huh, that's wacky...who does that?" kind of laugh.
Maybe I am intimidating.
That's cool.
Fear me!

"The Procrastinator"

I have been told that if I was a superhero I would be called "The Distractor" My powers are obvious from the title. I, however think a more suitable name would be "The Procrastinator"

I think every blog entry I have ever posted is due to some form of procrastination. I have a ton of things to do today, phone calls to make, e-mails to return, laundry to do, scripts to finish, travel plans to finalize. Yet, here I am posting to my blog. I really don't have anything to say (As if that has stopped me before)

So that's all. Back to avoiding work.

Hmm. I wonder what the procrastinator would wear. The Procrastinator doesn't do laundry very often but doesn't wear dirty clothes either so...I guess my costume would be a Lavender Bridesmaid gown, or what else is in my closet?...A red cocktail dress. Neither are suitable for my afternoon plans. I guess I better do some laundry before I dig up my cap and gown. Wahoo '92!