It Wasn't Me This Time

Ah Halloween, the baristas were in fine form, chipper and perky and dressed albeit half-assed for Halloween. The man in front of me was decked out in orange and black. He was lamenting the fact that nobody at his office dressed up. His enthusiasm for the costumed baristas was overwhelming. He yelled over the espresso machine to tell half assed superhero he liked her cape. His boisterous tone was both irritating and endearing. This man was sincere in his Halloween spirit.
“What are you?…Oh you are a cat…awesome!”
“Look at you Mr. Vampire, very cool”
“What are you?!,” He shouted to one of the Incredibles…
”very nice, yeah!”
“And You! What are you?!” he asked the woman at the register wearing a black head scarf..
“I’m a Muslim” said the woman, not in costume.
“Yeah! Right on! that’s awes---“ (cricket cricket…I think the music may have even screeched to a halt) he stopped abruptly and walked away. You could feel the humiliation in the air. I felt for the guy, as did the baristas.

I relay this story because it is so like something I would do. I felt sorry for the exuberant Halloween enthusiast and can absolutely relate to not knowing what to say and just walking away. Of course, usually I would say something more. I would make it worse. I would keep talking and talking and by the time I got my drink I would have alienated the entire south Seattle industrial district.

The experience made me smile. I was happy that a grown man was so into Halloween he was willing to share is excitement with everyone in sight. I was happy to see a three-hundred pound man dressed almost completely in orange and yeah, I was happy that someone else in the world says stupid things like I do.

I love Halloween and while I didn’t celebrate in costume, handing out candy to trick or treaters or toilet papering my 9th grade history teacher’s house, I had a pretty fine time eating German food, downing Spaten Optimator at the Peoples Pub and writing run on sentences.

Halloween Survey

In a previous post I mentioned I was a sucker for a survey. As a result my friends, acquaintances and a mysterious stranger have been forwarding me all sorts of surveys. I won’t make a habit of posting these, but this is a special Halloween Edition. I must admit this one didn’t interest me until I got to the James Carville question…well then I just had to continue.

What Was your Favorite Halloween Costume?
WONDER WOMAN…OF COURSE

Favorite Halloween Candy
WHOPPERS

Least Favorite Halloween Candy
RAISINETS

As a child where did you Trick-Or-Treat?
AT A HOUSING DEVELOPMENT A COUPLE MILES FROM MY HOUSE

Have you ever won a costume contest?
YES, AS MONICA LEWINSKY

Do you still like to dress up for Halloween?
NO, NOT REALLY.

Did you ever have your candy stolen while Trick or Treating?
NOPE, WELL MAYBE BY MY MOM, BUT SHE WAITED UNTIL I WAS ASLEEP.

Candy Corn or Candy Apple?
I COULD DO WITHOUT EITHER

Do you believe in ghosts
YEAH, I GUESS I DO

Have you ever had a supernatural experience?
YES, A COUPLE.

Do you find James Carville Spooky?
NOT AS SPOOKY AS ALAN COLMES

Ever bobbed for apples?
YEAH, IT WAS YUCKY

Ever had too much to drink on Halloween?
HAVE I EVER NOT?

Are you scared of the dark?
A LITTLE BIT...ACTUALLY A LOT A BIT

What else are you scared of?
FIRE AND SPIDERS…OR A SPIDER ON FIRE...AND CLOWNS...AND EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANS AND CHRISTIAN CLOWNS.
AN EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN CLOWN JUGGLING SPIDERS AND FIRE WOULD REALLY FREAK ME OUT.

When was the last time you were truly frightened.
WHEN MY KITCHEN CAUGHT ON FIRE. (NO CLOWNS, SPIDERS OR CHRISTIANS INVOLVED)

Who’s scarier, Christopher Walken or Jack Nicholson?
JAMES CARVILLE

What’s your favorite scary movie?
THE SHINING AND CURLY SUE

Do you prefer Zombies or Vampires.
I’VE DATED BOTH…ZOMBIES MAKE FOR BETTER MOVIES

Are you scared of cemeteries?
I KIND OF LIKE CEMETERIES. I FIND THEM PEACEFUL. IS THAT WEIRD?

Wonder Woman...of course

“Wonder Woman”.
That was my answer. “What are you going to be when you grow up?” The question was posed by the check out lady at Town and Country Thriftway and like most five year olds I had a ready answer. Even at a young age I knew when I was being patronized. “of course…Wonder woman” I could see the judgement in her eyes and sensed her mocking tone. Was she blind!? I was wearing my Wonder Woman swim suit…In the grocery store. (Looking back at childhood photos it’s painfully obvious I was either allowed to dress myself or I was raised by a band of hippie lesbian gypsy hobos.)

I loved my Wonder Woman swimsuit. It was my favorite article of clothing. Though I lacked the gold head band, I improvised with my own bright red plastic one. I spent many an afternoon fighting the forces of evil in my backyard. This is not easy to do as an only child with no neighbor kids around. The forces of evil usually included a great dane and a poodle mutt hybrid. Fighting was more like chasing them around and trying to retrieve my red headband from the great dane. It was a noble cause. Dasher the Husky Malamute mix from next door acted as my sidekick. I realize Lynda Carter didn’t have a dog but I figured if the Bionic woman could have one…so could I. The only thing I was missing was proper arm wear. I had been unsuccessful in my attempt to acquire the proper superpower accoutrement. I decided to take matters in to my own hands and make my own. I was a crafty five year old…and sneaky. I fashioned myself some wristbands out of a Tuna fish cans. Dasher and I set off to fight crime. (well…pick blackberries and sneak around the neighbors yard, while he licked my wrists) At some point the cat food cans had left their mark. The can opener had left some rough edges and had cut into my wrists. My grandmother was the one who noticed and was terribly concerned. I didn’t want to get in trouble for using the can opener and refused to tell her why my wrists were cut up. My grandma grilled me for answers. She consulted with my best friend’s parents. There was talk of sending me to “see someone” to discuss my self destructive tendencies. Didn’t she understand? It wasn’t self destruction. I was trying to save the world from destruction. You just can’t do that without a suitable pair of wristbands.
I miss those days. I miss knowing exactly what I want to be when I grow up. I miss the childlike creativity and most of all I miss that time in my life where I was content to wear nothing but a swimsuit and red plastic headband. Ahh childhood…it didn’t all suck.

Nooooooo!

It's every woman's greatest fear. We love our mothers and no matter how hip and groovy they may or may not be, we don't want to become them. My mother is a wonderful person but I am confident in the fact that I have reached the ripe old age of 32 without much resemblence. Well, I was confident...
Today I used the term "Oh Lordy!" In conversation.
and Oh sweet boneless Jesus, for that brief and terrifying moment I had indeed become my mother.
As I get older I find we have more and more in common but it horrifies me less and less. I guess there are worse people to turn out like...and I'm not just saying that because I know she reads my blog.



Note to friends:
If I start making casseroles or windchimes or suggest a shopping trip to Home Depot, I will
expect an intervention.

If I start listening to and enjoying the song stylings of Anne Murray I will ask that you have me committed.

If I ever suggest going camping, I want you to have me put down.

Cranky Me

I hate today. I’m annoyed and frustrated with everyone and everything. Sometimes I wish I was five years old again and could justify throwing myself on the floor in a big ole teary tantrum. I feel like a petulant child...a petulant child with push-button publishing capabilities and an airplane bottle of Bushmills.
Okay then.
I feel better now.
I am off to teach pre-school.
Whiskey will have to wait.

50 Questions

I am a sucker for a survey

1. WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING?
7:00
2. DIAMONDS OR PEARLS?
Diamonds
3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA??
Jesus Camp
4. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE T.V. SHOW AS A KID??
Little House on the Prairie & Love Boat
5. WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
Some Yucky Weight Watchers Yogurt
6. WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
Tarese
7. CANDY OR FLOWERS
Cash
8. WHAT FOODS DO YOU DISLIKE?
Cottage Cheese and Mushrooms
9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHIP FLAVOR?
Doritos Nacho Cheese
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CD AT THE MOMENT?
The Inessential Uncle Bonsai
11. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?
A Saturn…quit making fun of me.
12. FAVORITE SANDWICH?
Roast Beef and Havarti on Rye
13. WHAT CHARACTERISTICS ANNOY YOU
Flakiness and indecisiveness
14. WHAT CHARACTERISTICS DO YOU LOVE MOST?
Sense of Humor, Confidence
15. WEIRDEST THING SAID TO YOU ON A DATE
Just one?! “You are really pretty, you look just like my sister”
16. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE ON VACATION, WHERE WOULD YOU GO?
Turkey or Greece
17. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM?
White…well Whitish
18. SPY MOVIES OR ROMANTIC COMEDY
I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you
19. TO WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE?
Boca of course
20. ANY TATTOOS
No, my ultimate fear of commitment.
21. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
Baseball and I admit it…Curling
22. SWEET POTATO OR YAM?
Sweet Potato
23. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER?
Gerbera Daisy
24. WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER”S FIRST NAME?
Patti…with an i
25. WHAT’S YOUR SIGN?
Yield
26. LAST TIME YOU SAID SOMETHING YOU REGRET
oh please…every freakin day.
27. ARE YOU A MORNING PERSON OR A NIGHT PERSON?
Morning bad
28. BROTHER’S AND SISTERS?
An only child...at least that's what I tell my siblings
29. LAST E-MAIL YOU RECEIVED WAS FROM wineoutlet@seattlewineoutlet.com
30. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BEDSPREAD
Red
31. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE?
Wonder Woman
32. HOW OLD ARE YOU TODAY?
32 and 3/4
33. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY?
Whoppers
34. WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE AS A BIRTHDAY CAKE?
German Chocolate
35. LAST PLACE YOU HAD A STIFF DRINK
Hattie’s Hat in Ballard
36. WHERE IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE EVER BEEN FROM HOME?
Sibiria
37. A SMALL THING YOU REALLY ENJOY
Midgets
38. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP??
An interesting person.
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING??
Dame Darcy’s Meat Cake, Villa Incognito, The Cloudy Patriot
40. LAST TIME YOU SAW LIVE ART
“locust” at On The Boards
41. LIVING PERSON YOU MISS THE MOST.
Stacey
42. NON-LIVING PERSON YOU MISS THE MOST
Papa, Rob
43. FAVORITE WINTER MOVIE
The Shining
44. FAVE ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE
Scotch
45. LAST DVD WATCHED
About a Boy
46. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?
World Peace….and/or an IPOD
47. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE AM BEVERAGE
Drip Coffee or Scotch
48. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU COOKED
The Books
49. HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN ANYONE'S HEART?
Yes
50. HAVE YOU EVER HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN?
I have no heart...I am dead on the inside.
okay, yes.

Hour of Free Time

The "Procrastinator" strikes again.
What better use of my time than to screw with the template of my blog?
I don't know how I feel about this one. It might just be a little too Perky McUnicorn.

Invisible Me

Do you ever have those times in your life where you feel invisible?
Perhaps you question your very existence?

Deonn is a name that does not exist in the U.S.
There is this website that lists how many people in the U.S. share your name.
According to the census...no one has my name...including me.
http://ww2.howmanyofme.com/

All Request Hour

Some people are asked to pray for those in need.
I am rarely asked for my religious help in such matters as I am neither religious nor helpful.
I receive my own special brand of requests. The follwing cry for help arrived in my inbox last night.

"Could you mock Seattle's new slogan "metronatural" so it goes away soon? I'm an insecure heteronatural. "

I would spend the time and energy to mock the new "Metronatural" but why bother? It kind of mocks itself. I have a feeling it was brought to us by the same people who monikered "SODO" and perhaps the same hip and edgy people who came up with the new hip and edgy term for the hip and edgy district around the Lusty Lady called the "West Edge." How hip and edgy.

We can also thank them for their attempt at transforming Lower Queen Anne into "Uptown" Planners came up with this one because they thought "lower" Queen Anne sounded degrading. I find it fitting. I can't afford "Upper" I think they might as well call it
"Lesser Queen Anne"
"Harder to Park Queen Anne."
or
"More Homelessy Queen Anne"
I don't think the planners cared about Lower Queen Anne at all. I think it was the people at the top of the hill that didn't want to be lumped with us bottom dwelling riff raff. They don't want to share a common name. My party girl older cousin must have felt the same way when I entered her high school. She would have happily changed my last name.

What does any of this have to do with the anonymous request to mock "Metronatural"?
Nothing really, I just felt like making fun of seattle some more.

All I can say is when I hear the term MetroNatural I picture some guy named Eric (cuz isn't everyone in seattle named Eric) au naturale, In nothing but an REI windbreaker, a manly "man"icure doing something that I don't, like... Karoake John Denver tunes or composting.
He's my MetroNatural Mascot.

"WA.tch You Talkin About Willis?"

Washington's Newest tourism slogan "SayWA" was a bit of a bust. Tee Hee.

"SayWA" Slogan Dropped After Heavy Mocking"

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/W/WA_SAYWA_GOODBYE_WAOL-?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

Do you realize how much hope this gives a cynic like me? Mocking actually resulted in the demise of something ridiculous. Does this really work? I have been a heavy mocker my whole life. I tried to cut back in my early twenties (in my self help book phase.) but I fell off the wagon in my mid to late twenties (The Gore/Bush election, The Bush/Kerry Election, The movie "Election") I am now and again a full blown Mockaholic.

Do you think this really works? If I mock something enough will it actually go away?
It didn't work on my Freshman "Washington State and World" teacher.
I wonder if it would work for Clamato Juice, John Tesh or Short people.
I have heavily mocked the French, The Canadians and the French Canadians but as far as I know they are all still around.
But you know what they say. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
So I'll just keep on mocking things I find silly...vegans, people from Monroe and "new math" and see what happens.

Smartest States... and Arizona

It's that time of year we have all been waiting for!
That’s right Morgan Quitnos Education State Rankings 2006 has arrived.
http://www.morganquitno.com/edrank06.htm

Who is the smartest state you ask?
It should be no surprise…It’s Vermont. That stuck up cable knit sweatered bitch wins every year.
What of our fair state? Apparently our collective Eddie Bauer Hoodies are tied a bit too tight. Washington rates a measly 33. Though we can gloat at ranking higher than Utah and Alabama, We were neck and neck with Arkansas for 33rd place.

YEAH! 33rd! WAHOO! Pour me a Redhook and eat me some apples! YIPEE 33!
(this also means 17th stupidest state)

Finding out that Washington is almost as smart as Arkansas is like finding out you have the same GPA as the kid who licked glitter off his shoe in second grade.

I don't really know(or have the attention span to read the whole article) how they calculate their findings. I am assuming they have a more scientific way of coming up with the ranking than the ole "Put a towel over their head" dog intelligence test.

Some Fun facts-
Minnesota is smarter than Washington. It just doesn’t sound like it because of her silly accent.

Virginia is way smarter than her sister West Virginia. WV's inferiority may cause her to start wearing all black and listening to the Cure.

Massachusetts came in second place. She got bonus points for being able to spell her own name.

Indiana is the Jan Brady of the list. Classic mid child/west syndrome.

New Jersey came in fourth. There must be some hidden wisdom behind the “Mall Claw”

Poor sweet Nevada. You may be popular. Burning Man, legalized prostitution, gambling and cheap hotel rooms hasn’t done much for your ranking…but at least you are smarter than Arizona.

Tennessee must have had a tutor or Summer school or something. Tennessee is eleven states smarter than last year!

I take solace in the fact that California remains retarded

Feel Sorry For Me

Some say accidents happen for a reason. Some say accidents are your subconscious way of getting attention. I say blogging about an accident is a better way to get attention. It wasn't anything major. Not even bloggable really. Though I am using this post more as a test to see if I can type minus the use of my middle finger. It's a bit trickier than I thought. It's so much harder to flip people off while I type.

Curling up with a good book is highly overrated. I should have stayed holed up in my apartment. That was the plan, but I was hungry. The contents of my cupboard and refrigerator add up to a bag of flour, some stale tortilla chips, a bottle of Champagne and some jello. It was best I didn't attempt a casserole with the ingredients at hand. Especially since the fire...thats another story.

I journeyed out for coffee and something to eat. On my way back I stopped at Easy Street Records. I went to open the poster laden door as another woman was coming out. We couldn't see each other through the posters but I'm sure she could hear the crack of my knuckle that seemed to reverberate throughout Lower Queen Anne. She apologized. I said "That's okay" holding back the tears.

Now here is the strange part of the story. These two frat boy dumbasses hyped up on something are jumping up and down on the escalator to Bartells (yes I was too lazy to walk up a block...I took the escalator) One dumbass turns to me and goes "HIGH FIVE"
I, with my throbbing middle finger on one hand and hot coffee in the other, say "no". Dude gets mad and screams "HIGH FIVE, BITCH!"and follows me through the parking lot. I thought about high fiving him with the hot coffee but thought better of it. Luckily he lost interest and started accosting one of those cute Queen Anne ponytail girls. You know the ones that can take there faces off and it's all wires and stuff behind it...but again, that's another rant.

So here I am. Wondering if this warrants another trip to urgent care. I was there yesterday morning as well. I am not the type to go to the doctor for every little thing. I usually sit home and obsess, convincing myself that I have every disease I see on 60 minutes. I am the girl that was totally convinced I had arm cancer the day after going bowling...cuz my arm hurt. I rarely go see a doctor. So going to the Group Health Urgent Care facility twice in one weekend is...well kinda ridiculous. Like me.

Hmm that was a pretty long post with only nine fingers.

Truer Words Have Not Been Spoken

"Bangs are not a magical fix for what is wrong in our lives"
I took the hairdresser's advice and refrained from anything drastic.

Just thinking...

I am more of a romantic than I would care to admit.
I have become more of a cynic than I would care to admit.
It’s a sad combination.

4th Avenue Costco

My boss recently gave me a Costco card. This has many advantages... free samples, shrink wrapped bulk bundles of socks and most importantly... self esteem. While I am comfortably average in my own neighborhood. I am HOT on 4th ave. S.

Coincidence?

Twice in the recent past someone has tried to convince me that pot smoking has kept their otherwise ill fated plants alive. In the first case the toker in question moved out of his girlfriend’s apartment leaving his plant (we’ll call him “Jimmy”) behind. “Jimmy” was a happy and healthy plant. He thrived in his pot filled haze. “Jimmy” became an addict. Dude moved out leaving "Jimmy" to fend for himself. He is now withering away…quite literally without his daily fix. Poor Jimmy.
I recently ran into an ex-boyfriend of mine. We’ll call him Eric, because…well that’s his name. Eric was also a big fan of the cannabis. He told me he had recently stopped smoking pot. He was feeling great and healthier than ever. He had slimmed down, joined a basketball team and now goes jogging every day. Gosh the days of sleeping til noon, and subsisting on a diet of Fritos and Chicken wings are gone. The only down side was the fact that his house plants were dying. Much like “Jimmy”. His once thriving foliage had turned yellow and droopy. (I have never met Eric’s plants therefore it doesn’t seem right to name them…You may name them if you are so inclined)
Now, I am not saying there is anything to this Marijuana myth. I just thought it was weird that two separate pot smoking musicians each on a different coast would have the same experience with their houseplants.
Mmm anyone else craving Doritos?

Sorry Boys...It Just Has to be Said

I will apologize for this post in advance. I am not the kind of girl that is amused by people talking about the monthly functions of a womans body. This is more about advertising than anything else.

* Men, I will warn you now to read no further. If you choose to proceed please know you will gain more information than is necessary to a long and happy life of not being a woman.

Apparently Always brand maxi pads come with a new uplifting message. Peel back the adhesive strip and it reads "Have A Nice Period" Is anyone else disturbed by this? I almost thought it was a joke. I didn't see it for myself. I was only told about it by a friend. This is not my usual brand of feminine protection, again, sorry boys for the info. This was corroborated by the other women we were with.

"Have a Nice Period" Are you kidding me. What condescending advertising exec. gave the go ahead for that one? I think there are plenty of other phrases that would be more fitting to the occasion. Perhaps

"Sorry, your day is gonna suck"
"Boy I bet your relieved to see me"
or
"At least you don't have to walk around with a penis"

Maybe you could have a little more fun with them. Maybe a horosope or a lottery or a veritable chinese fortune cookie.
"You will soon go on a journey"
"Much happiness will befall you in the upcoming week"
"Happy Good for you Yum Chicken"

It wasn't enough for our gaggle of ladies to discuss it over lunch in a public place. It must now be in print.

A Beautiful Autumn Day

Today I decided to ruin an otherwise perfect autumn day by trying on clothes. It was a lovely morning walking through Pike Place. I treated myself to lunch at the market and enjoyed wandering aimlessly through downtown. Why did I have to ruin it? Perhaps it was the vast emptiness of my closet, the extra hours reflected in my paycheck or the brimming self confidence that led me down the path of frustration. Designers don't do much for my body type. There seem to be two sets of designs right now. Plus Size or Nicole Richie Size (Our last name is our only similarity) While they have clothing in my annoyingly in-between size I found nothing very flattering. It's not just being in between sizes it's being in between age groups. I set foot in Mariposa and you could amost hear my bones cracking I felt so old. Thank God I am not yet old enough for Coldwater Creek or Chicos. Old Navy makes my ears hurt. I haven't nearly enough money for Anthropologie or Eileen Fisher and lack the patience for Ross and the Nordstrom Rack. I did what I always do when I have trouble finding clothes. I bought a pair of shoes and went home...and ate.