My First Dance Class in Ten Years

Tonight I took an African dance class in Ballard.
Cuz, when I think "African dance", I think "Ballard"

I was hesitant as I am neither a dancer nor African and sure as hell no African dancer but neither was anyone else. My friend Michelle, who is an inspiration in many ways talked me into joining her. She has been attending six dance classes a week. I don't think I commit to anything six times a week...okay sleep, yes. The class was a lot of fun, a great work-out and yet another reminder of just how incredibly white I am.

I'm even ridiculously pale in Ballard.

(For those of you who are unfamiliar with Ballard, try to picture Scandinavia, now take away all the hot Swedish models, Audi drivers, Brit Eklund, and Bjork and replace them with senior citizens, pseudo-hipsters and a great Oaxacan Taco place.)

More Fun With School Names

My friend Jeff or as I like to call him...the first boy to ever braid my hair, sent me this list of his favorite schools in LA. Enjoy

For The Young Optimists
Busy Bees Wonderland
Cheerful Helpers School
Happy Land

Ummm
Poseidon School

Those Catholics really know how to name a school, don't they? (I feel guilty just typing this)
Holy name of Jesus
Mother of Sorrows School
Precious Blood Elementary School (This is the school I would want to go to..."Yeah, I go to Precious Blood")

I Went to Boring ole Ordway Elementary

I was looking to see if the school where I teach drama will be open tomorrow.
I came across these private schools while checking the KOMO school closure listings. These are the names of actual private schools in Washington State.

Absorbment Mind Elementary.
Abba's Garden
Carpe Diem Primary
Der Kinderhaus
Ebenezer Christian
Hurray for Me
Knowledge Kollege
Moby Dick Academy
Precious Angels Elementary
The Square Hole…Elementary School or Gay Bar? or a new Gay Elementary School Bar?

THUNDERSNOW!

Some things I learned while watching the news coverage of Winter Freak-Out '06

There is a Cosmopolis School District in Washington State
There is a town called Cosmopolis. Is that the coolest name for a town? The town loses a little credibility on the cool factor by being located near Aberdeen.
Or does it? Maybe it's a rural breeding ground for a new generation of superheroes. They could fight the powers of evil, whose alma mater is that of the 2nd coolest name for a school district... Vader School District. Vader is somewhere near Pe Ell...if you know where Pe-Ell is... well, my friend, I am impressed that you can read this.
My favorite term that has been used to describe last nights winter storm?
THUNDERSNOW.
That could very well be the title of my comic book featuring Vader vs. Cosmopolis.

and hey future superheroes and supervillains, congrats on your snow day!
Vader, your homework is to hatch an evil plan of death and destruction
Cosmopolis, Your homework is to thwart said evil plan.
Good Luck!

Snow in Sno-Ho, Yo.

I LOVE THIS WEATHER!
It's that time of year again. It's the time of year I really miss my TV, When a yellow wind-breakered Jim Foreman and all the local minority field reporters are sent to area hill tops to report on the inch of snow we have accumulated. I still get that tinge of excitement when I hear the Bainbridge Island School District closures, though it doesn't effect me in any way.

So here is a statement I don't believe I have ever made...

Bothell was beautiful today!

No seriously... Unincorporated Snohomish County was like a Springbok Jigsaw Puzzle landscape, or a Thomas Kinkaid.
Did Thomas Kinkaid ever paint a snowscape of a double wide with a Camaro on blocks in the front yard? He should, It would make a great Christmas card...he could do a collection
The Snoho-Snow Series
This could also include kids sliding down the hills on garbage can lids, precious moppets rollerskating on mostly frozen mud puddles and wearing socks on their hands cuz they can't find their mittens...oh wait that was my childhood. Nevermind.

It Made Me Smile :)

I was killing some time at my local Twice Sold Tales, I noticed a copy of the "7 Secrets of Highly Effective People" laying in a big pile of books to be shelved. It was in the same place as it was about a week ago.

One Fish, Two Fish, Bald Fish, Jew Fish

“So are you still dating the actor?” a friend’s mom asked me on the ferry.
“No we broke up, months ago” I replied trying to change the subject
“So how is your---”
She cut me off with
“Don’t worry. There are more fish in the sea.”

This would be a reassuring sentiment if I were looking to date a flounder. As I am not looking for a man with both eyes on one side of his head or an affinity for mummichogs and sand shrimp, this homespun dating advice doesn’t really apply.

Now mud sharks on the other hand…kinda dangerous, kinda bad boy…

Can You "Bah Humbug" Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving, like communism is one of those things that look good on paper. It sounds reasonable in theory and yet it’s sturdy premise somehow falls short upon execution. I don’t want to sound ungrateful…I mean gratitude is what Thanksgiving is all about right? Well gratitude and green bean casserole. I am thankful for plenty of things, health, family, Vodka. but every year I return home from my family festivities feeling a little…I don’t know full and empty. I feel like a stranger that has come to share in a tight knit family gathering. I am an outsider who doesn’t necessarily want to come in. When I was kid I was annoyed by adults who complained about the holidays…I now see where they are coming from.
Hmm kind of a depressing way to end this post.
Well at least I can be thankful that I am not French.
So uh…Happy Thanskgiving.

How I Pass the Time...

Next time you are sitting in a movie theatre waiting for the previews to start, pass the time by plotting out your own zombie movie. Who in the room would you be willing to follow if they were to take charge? Which character would you be and how early in the film would you be knocked off?

Much like my real life I would be passed over for romantic lead and cast as the wise-cracking friend. This would keep me alive longer than the old guy, the ethnic minority, the shallow sex-pot, and the computer hacker/burn victim with the heart of gold. I would be zombiefied in some creative manner well before the crafty gay guy and and of course the sandy haired ingénue and her chiseled leading man.

This little fun-filled game can be played anywhere. Staff meetings, health clubs, in line at the grocery store, Group Health, happy hour at the Taphouse in Bellevue… Hmm actually zombies at the taphouse…a little redundant.

I myself prefer playing at the movie theatre. What else is there to do while reading the onscreen trivia questions and listening to the shrieking song stylings from the soundtrack to Wicked?

Enjoy.
Oh and If you see me...can I be in your zombie movie?

Deonn-Age 8

Like most young girls in the earliy eighties, I was a big fan of the musical "Annie" I had the record album and the collectable locket. I had seen the movie at the theatre and was excited to see it on our state-of-the art Buick sized video player.

I went to the video store across from my mom's office but "Annie" had been rented out already. Perhaps the clerk had never seen it and therefore wasn't aware that "Annie Hall" was not an appropriate substitution for an eight year old. I became a Woody Allen fan at the ripe old age of eight. I figured a lot of the humor probably went over my head. I recently watched Annie Hall again and was surprised at how much I had actually grasped in the second grade. I was a strange kid. and I don't care what people say to the contrary, strange kids grow up to be strange adults.

Second grade was also the year that Jonah Rapp's mother brought in some sugar free zucchini muffins for his birthday. He proudly announced that they were made from scratch. I didn't know what this "scratch" was but I didn't like it. For years I thought scratch was a baking ingredient like Bisquick or Jiffy mix. Whenever anyone would offer me anything baked from scratch I would politely decline.

Hmm, I don't remember much else from second grade other than my teacher Miss Denny had really cool hair that flipped up at the ends and I accidentally knocked Jason Nordwall into the pumpkin cut-out that was around the classroom door and I got sent to the end of the line. It was the first time I had ever been in trouble at school...but not the last.

What Netflix Must Think Of Me

Netflix apparently thinks I am a nine year old drag queen
These were two of the latest
personalized recommendations
from Netflix.

Who Ever Heard of a Serial Killer named Skippy?

This article tells you how to keep from raising a serial killer.
http://men.msn.com/articlemh.aspx?cp-documentid=1014007

I have a quicker and easier solution.

Don't name your kid Wayne.

John Wayne Gacy
Wayne Bennett
Wayne Clifford Boden
Wayne Nance
Elmer Wayne Henley
And so many more!

Wayne maybe the number #1 serial killingest name in America. Try something like Skippy, who ever heard of a serial killer named skippy? Of course, He'd get the crap beat out of him on a daily basis but...life is a trade off.

Ginger Good For Sick

Those of you who know me, know this annoying little Deonn fact. I am allergic to ginger. While it is not one of those insta-death allergies like people have to peanuts and bees. (I feel sorry for those folks, I could give up peanuts but I do loves me a heaping bowl o' Bees.) It is still pretty unpleasant. Unlike peanuts, manufacturers are not required to list ginger as an ingredient. They can simply classify it as "Spices" This sadly rules out most commerically made pumpkin pie, carrot cake and baked goods with the word "Holiday" in the title. Come on feel sorry for me. Pooooor Deonn. I can live without the goodies, but vavigating Asian restaurants gets tricky.
I love Chinese, Thai and Vietnamese food. The problem is, unless the server speaks English quite fluently, these can be dangerous places. I have the utmost respect for people from other countries who are struggling with the English language. I will be the first to admit that I only speak one language and at times that's even questionable. That being said. when it comes to a food allergy you really want to be understood.

Here is a typical evening at any Asian restaurant.

Me-Does the (insert any menu item) have ginger in it?
Waiter-You want Ginger?
Me-No
Waiter-No ginger.
Me-Is there Ginger in it?
Waiter-If you want ginger...
Me-No, I can't have ginger. I am allergic
Waiter-(looking confused even though I said it REALLY LOUD...I am such a moron)
Me-Ginger make me sick
Waiter-Ahh yes Ginger good for sick.
Me-No, Ginger makes me sick
Waiter-Ginger very good for you.

At this point I order whatever I had the last time I was there.
It could be worse. I could be allergic to wheat or dairy or alcohol. It's not like I'll die if I eat ginger...I'll just wish to.

Did you know that Awapuhi is the Hawaiian word for ginger? I didn't until I used some lovely Awapuhi shampoo. It's hard to read the ingredients on the back of the bottle when your eyes are swollen shut.

Just a little plug for one of my favorite Thai Places.
Tonight I dined at May Thai in Wallingford. I LOVE that place. Not only do they have the most Beautiful building actually brought over piece by piece from Thailand, they have awesome food and elegant presentation. Most of their food lacks that evil root unless listed in the description. The cucumber kazis aren't bad either.

Quote O' the Day

"All my life I wanted to be somebody...I see now I should have been more specific."
One of my favorite quotes from Jane Wagner.

Uh...I Touched Brain

Today I went to see "Bodies...the Exhibition"

Admission-24.50

Audio Tour-6.00

Spending a rainy afternoon looking at dead Chinese prisoners-Priceless

http://www.bodiestheexhibition.com/intro.html

(If nothing else, click on this just for the snappy techno-intro)

I was oddly fascinated by the people attending the exhibit. It was painfully obvious that the attendees were hardly more animated than the dead bodies on display. I was a little self conscious cracking jokes about the dead body action figures, but I barrelled through. Everyone there was very serious. They would read the informational tags, furrow their brow and nod. then move to the next one. Read the tag, furrow and nod. What a weird ass response. We found a few kindred spirits in the crowd willing to make weird comments. But alas we lost them in the sea of furrowed brows.

The creepiest part of the exhibit in my opinion was posing the bodies in action shots. They did this to show the groups of muscles being used. Since I am all about amusing myself, I like to think they actually died in those positons, like scoring a touchdown, football in hand. That's one dangerous Chinese football league. There was one guy who died throwing a discus, one playing basketball and another playing tennis. I knew sports were dangerous! I felt bad for the body conducting the orchestra, he just looked so frail. And the swing dancers...they were cute he didn't seem to mind that she was a skeleton and she loved her man all skin and bones ...sans eyeballs.

It was a fascinating exhibit. It showed every part of the human body. My favorite was the nervous system dissection. It was very Jim Henson looking, all threads and eyeballs.
It amazes me that the human body can even function with all that potential for something to go horribly wrong,

It was very cool, but I am kind of cheap. (so thanks Jared for buying!) For that kind of money he should have been able to take home the T-shirt, the baseball cap and a souvenir body part.

Oh, and we touched brain, actual dead body brain....seriously I touched brain.

Who Would Play Me In a Lifetime Television Movie of the Week

There are few questions that I fear.
"Can I be honest?"
"When are going to get married"
"What are you going to do with your life?"

and scariest of all

"You know who you look like?"
I get this at least once a week. It’s kind of funny to me. If I actually looked like someone famous, I would understand. I don’t. It’s never the same person. Everybody thinks I look like someone different.
When I wear my glasses I have been told I look like Kennedy the MTV-jay.

When I was younger I looked like the girl on the front of Milkman powdered milk box and a little like Drew Barrymore. Now, I would take it as a compliment but I wasn’t super hip to kids calling me "firestarter" because I looked like her. ...At least I think that’s why they called me "firestarter", maybe it was because I lit them on fire with my eyes....

I got Monica Lewinsky and Rosie O'Donnell for awhile...talk about a low period.

The most common one I get lately is
“ you look like that girl on that show…you know…that girl”
I don’t know.
They can never think of it either

I apparently resemble some French actress and I was told recently I looked a little like Rachel Weisz which was probably just damage control after telling me I sounded like Kathy Griffin.

A date told me I reminded him of Veronica in Heathers, (the one where Winona Ryder murders her friends). I had him killed…and stole his wallet.

Have you ever had that conversation with a group of friends about what actor would play you in a movie version of your life? Think carefully before you tell someone who they look like. I know someone who nearly became suicidal at the casting of John Cryer.











My mother thinks this might be “that girl on that show.”
That’s silly. I’m not even black.

Flakes... a Brief Self Righteous Rant

Excerpted from Tom Robbins “Villa Incognito”
“A few snowflakes began to fall taking their time as if stalling for someone to remark how no two snowflakes are ever exactly alike. At what point it’s fair to ask, did snowflakes start believing their own press?” I love that passage. I shall expoit it for my own use as I feel the same way about the human flake.

The human flake seems to believe they have their own irresistable and loveable quality that should make others overlook the fact they are indeed a flake. Canceling dinner plans, running an hour late, or standing you up when something better comes a long makes perfect sense to these precious and frustrating creatures. Watch the flake in their natural habitat as they come up with crafty and innovative justifications for their behavior.

Sure, no two flakes are ever exactly the same…but close enough, don’t you thinq?

Sing-A-Long with Dan Hill

Sweet Jesus make it stop! I can't seem to get this song out of my head. It's been on a constant tape loop in my brain for three days now. Damn that Fred Meyer Muzak. Please click on it and share my pain.

In this video, Dan Hill looks very much like those cave men on the Geico Insurance commercials.

The Great Pretender

Apparently this is strange. I brought up the topic in casual conversation with a group of my peers after tonight’s first Thursday Art Walk. Strangely, I am the only one in the group that admits to pretending to like something that I don’t. I find this hard to believe as I distinctly remember a time when one “peer” became really interested in Christian Rock for the two weeks that she was dating a Four Square Junior Pastor. Now that I think of it another nameless peer went through an obligatory Bette Midler phase when he finally “came out” that was not only dishonest it was so freakin cliché.

I like to think that we all do it to some extent. I think I may have finally outgrown it. I have always been pretty open and honest as to my likes and dislikes. I am not talking about being rude or disrespectful. I still remain diplomatic even complimentary after less than stellar dinner parties, theatre productions, art exhibits and romantic encounters. I am talking about the little white lies, the things you have convinced other people and possibly yourself that you enjoy.

The following is a list of things that I have pretended to like for no particular reason.

Sushi
Philip Glass
White Wine
Long Walks on The Beach
The Matrix
Halo
Figs
The Music Man
Comedy and Tragedy Masks
Gardening
Basketball
Casablanca
Clove Cigarettes
Talking on the phone


Things I do like but are kinda dorky so I don’t usually cop to them.
Here you have it, my list of selected guilty pleasures.

Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries
Barry Manilow
Spray Can Easy Cheese
Regis Philbin
Klezmer music
Peeling dried glue off my hands
Lawn Darts
Dolly Parton
Jackass
The Bangles
Re-runs of Sanford and Son
Les Miserables
Tater Tots
Little House on the Prairie
compulsively posting to my blog…It’s becoming a habit.

Overheard Conversation at Trader Joes

“I don’t believe in microwaves” A lady loudly announces to the girl giving out Tamale samples.
Hmm, it’s not like the Tooth Fairy, the Loch Ness Monster, or Jesus…there is hard evidence of their existence.
I have seen this "microwave contraption" with my own eyes…they sell them at Target.
Silly lady.